Louder Than Bombs

Everything feels heavy ever since I hit rock bottom.

Last week in particular, I was too stressed out that I started seeing odd things in both my dreams and daydreams.

They were strange enough that I wanted to keep on sleeping, even on workdays.

I barely manage to stay awake in my class.

That bad.

God... How could I stay sane in this shape?

Ramadan is ending. Today to be exact.

There is something that I have restrained myself from doing in this holy month which is NOT LISTENING to the Love and Deepspace Secret Times.

It was super hard because I missed Zayne's and Xavier's voice.

I feel like it's a victory somehow. It's not much but definitely worth celebrating.

Now I have something I can look forward to on this year's Eid.

I noticed that I've been dreaming about Nissy a lot these days. The dreams were sweet and fluffy. Nothing R rated or even PG. They were blissful. I always found myself not wanting to wake up when I get these dreams. Haha!

Still, a dream is a dream and I'm really glad I got to experience it.

It is exactly what it's said. Not like the dreams you have when you're doing nothing and decide to build castles in the air, nope!

I dream during the day, I dream during my day naps because somehow I RARELY dream when I sleep at night. Yep.

And, today's daydream felt so real that I woke up with some tears coming out of my eyes.
What did I dream about? I dreamt of my Guardian Angels, the Backstreet Boys.

The setting was at my old house and I remember that my sisters were watching TV and the Boys were on air. I got mad at them for not telling me about it and I threw a fit in which I kicked the TV so hard that it fell off the rack, and then I stormed out to my room and just lay my head on my desk and I just cried and cried and cried, and obviously my lil sister thought it was okay to make fun of me that she started filming me and called me the widow who's just lost her husband, like it's the end of the world sort of thing, she said.

Since this is a dream and of course unrealistic things often happened in our dreams, I got comforted real quick when the Boys themselves suddenly showed up at the door and I just ran to Nick as fast as I can to hug him. And yes, you guessed it, Nicky hugged me back and wiped my tears and snorts and just being the most comforting human being that I ever met in my entire life.

And that also explained why I got teary eyed when I woke up from my nap. It just felt so real, the crying, the hug, everything.

I dreamt of BTS today. It was a pleasant dream. I felt nothing but joy in it. I got to interact with all the members. Namjoon was very sweet, Taehyung was cheeky and Jin looked dreamy~ I got to see the YoonMin couple bickering moments and Hobi's laughs echoing the space and I got to watch the Golden Maknae Jeon Jungkook helping his hyungs doing chores all over the house.

It was peaceful and I was very, very happy, even though it's only a dream.

My precious Tannies, I love you guys so much!

Those who struggle with mental health are the best actors and that includes myself.

We can put on the best smile, the happiest laugh and even crack the funniest jokes. But deep inside, we are smothered in the darkest pit of hell.

When darkness strike, everyday is hell. Going to sleep with body aches even though we didn't do anything strenuous. Waking up with a blank mind and face.

We're like a ticking bomb. A trigger is all it takes, to set us off.

It's only been a few days since I haven't written anything with my recently bought fountain pen, yet today, I really have forgotten how to use it. My pen grip, the right angle, everything. I even thought like it's the first time I hold it. It felt awkward and distant to me.

Brain fog - 'Tis not the first time, nor it would be the last.